Good Communication Is Relationship Stewardship

You cannot have a good, healthy relationship without good communication. That applies to romantic relationships, friendships, business relationships, professional alliances, teams and families. We live our lives in relationship with other people, and when we understand how to communicate clearly, listen well and deal with the uncomfortable stuff, those relationships get better.

Most communication problems are not caused by what was said. They are caused by what was assumed.

Someone doesn’t respond to your text, so you decide they’re angry. Someone reads your message and doesn’t answer, so you make up a story about why. You send an email and don’t get an immediate response, and within an hour you’ve created an entire scenario about what the silence means.

Something happened. You observed it. You made up a story about what it meant… and now your emotions and behavior are responding to the story instead of the facts.

Think about how many relationships have been damaged by conversations that never even happened.

Stop Assuming and Start Clarifying

Clear communication requires us to separate three things: what happened, what I interpreted and what I need to clarify.

Those are not the same thing.

If someone reads your text and doesn’t respond for three hours, the fact is that they didn’t respond for three hours. You don’t know why unless you ask. They could be angry with you, or they could be somewhere with no cell reception. They could be in a meeting, dealing with their child, driving or handling something that has absolutely nothing to do with you.

Clarity requires communication. Assumption requires none.

This is why mastering the stories you tell yourself is so important. We have to stop assuming we know what someone else’s behavior means and start investigating what is really happening.

Make Sure You’re Having the Same Conversation

Another place communication breaks down is when two people are having completely different conversations without realizing it.

There are practical conversations where we’re trying to determine what to do. There are emotional conversations where someone is expressing how they feel. There are also conversations about identity and relationship… who am I to you, who are we to each other and what does this mean?

Someone comes to you and says they had a terrible day. They want to talk about how they feel, while you’re already three steps into solving the problem for them.

Now you have a communication misfire.

We often listen through the lens of what we need instead of listening for what the other person needs.

One of the easiest ways to change that is to ask:

What do you need from me right now? Do you want me to listen, help you think this through or help you solve it?

That one question can eliminate an enormous amount of unnecessary friction in our relationships.

Emotional Safety Does Not Mean Avoiding Discomfort

Clear communication requires emotional safety, yet emotional safety does not mean nobody ever says anything uncomfortable.

No real growth happens in relationships without uncomfortable conversations.

Psychological safety means we have built a solid enough foundation that we can disagree, address problems and say difficult things without attacking, humiliating, manipulating, shaming or abandoning each other.

We can have discord and still respect one another.

Before you enter a difficult conversation, ask yourself what you want for yourself, what you want for the other person and what you want for the relationship. If preserving the relationship matters to you, then ask whether the way you’re about to communicate supports that outcome.

Being committed to the relationship does not mean avoiding the truth. It means learning how to tell the truth in a way that doesn’t unnecessarily destroy the relationship while you’re doing it.

Listen With Fresh Ears

One of the biggest obstacles to good communication is that we are often listening to someone from the past.

We already know what they’re going to say. We already know how they’re going to react. We already know what they meant because they’ve done this before.

Except maybe we don’t.

When you enter a new conversation carrying every conversation you’ve had with that person for the last five or twenty years, you aren’t listening to what’s happening right here, right now. You’re interpreting the present through the past.

We don’t allow each other the grace to show up differently when we do that.

Listening is not waiting for your opportunity to speak. It requires making sure you understood what the other person said and what they meant.

Ask yourself: What did I hear? What might I be missing? Did I understand what they meant, or did I interpret what they said through my own experience?

Sometimes it helps to mirror it back: “What I heard you saying is…” or “What I understand you are saying is…”

Observation opens dialogue. Interpretation can close it down.

If we want new things to happen in our relationships, we have tostop dragging the past into every new conversation.

Healthy Relationships Still Have Communication Breakdowns

The health of a relationship isn’t determined by whether you ever have a difficult conversation or a communication breakdown. It’s determined by how you have those conversations and whether you’re willing to repair the breakdown when it happens.

There is a significant difference between saying, “You never listen to me,” and saying, “I’ve been trying to talk to you about something and I don’t feel like we’re connecting. Can we talk about it?”

The first one comes into the conversation with an accusation. The second opens the door to a conversation.

We also have to recognize that people communicate and process differently. Some people can process information quickly and respond immediately. Other people need time. Some people are comfortable with a lot of eye contact and face-to-face interaction. Others aren’t.

Part of relationship stewardship is having some grace and space for those differences without immediately assigning meaning to them.

Repairing communication breakdowns is a skill, and it can be learned.

Be a Good Steward of Your Relationships

Anyone who wants to be successful in life needs to learn how to be a steward of good relationships, and good communication is a huge part of that.

Clarify instead of assume. Make sure you’re having the same conversation. Create enough safety for honesty. Listen to understand instead of listening to be right. Stop putting your interpretation on everything someone says, and when communication breaks down, be willing to repair it.

Relationships don’t usually break down because people have nothing left to say to each other. Somewhere along the way, people stop saying what needs to be said. They stop listening. They start assuming. They stop making it safe for the truth to be expressed.

Pay attention this week to the conversations you’re having and especially to the stories you’re creating about them.

Before you react, ask yourself: What happened? What did I interpret? What do I need to clarify?

That one practice could change the quality of your communication… and the quality of your relationships.e